Personal Love

I kicked my boyfriend off the bed for being dumb and he slept there for a few min. Then he came back up and attacked me with a lot of love.

Moments like these make me appreciate the times we have together. Right now he’s next me watching notifications pop up on his phone and asking what music I’m listening to (Iron and Wine). I’m not sure how into them he is but oh well.

Our crazy, stupid and annoying love life might as well be something from a romantic comedy or a cringy book.

Update: he loves the type of music I’m listening to (Pandora changes it to Paper Kites).

A lot of people are missing out on the whole “be dorky sometimes and live a happy life” thing. I can’t really imagine being in such a stale relationship. Like if you are trying to be serious all the time or portray yourself a certain way to the person you’re with then you’re doing it wrong.

On one of my first outings, the guy dropped my freshly bought lollipop. He also made fun of it for being square. Poor guy actually felt bad, but I sent him a photo of me eating it off a paper plate a few days later.

I go back on that day and enjoy his crush-like awkwardness. He seemed very into me and I guess he got a little fidgety because a few weeks later he broke my Starbucks straw. My cold cup rolled under his moon chair and he and his friend were messing around in the chair.  Somehow in the mix and my straw got crushed under the chair legs.

Here we are about six months later and we’re being awkward together (although he carries most of the weight).

This isn’t the stereotypical relationship, however. Nothing about a relationship should be bland or boring. We may have the qualities of a stupid romance, but we aren’t always just adorable, we have differences and show those differences. I’m more hardcore sports while he has the gentle touch of music ranging from jazz to orchestra. However, we share more a combined playlist.

People in relationships should combine themselves. There is only so much you can do and learn alone. I learned how to blow into the mouthpiece of a trombone, while love has learned how the NFL playoffs are determined. He also became a football fan and I’ve explored more of my love for baseball.

Now if only he would stop “accidentally” unplugging my laptop.

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Another 3 a.m. Post

When emotions start to fly at 3 a.m., it’s usually time for bed. But not tonight.

After some thinking, I have decided to retire my love of writing to maybe secondary. I don’t want to be just a piece of paper someone reads or a screen someone looks at. Everyone says to go on and strive for greatness, but greatness is in the eyes of the beholder.

If only doing enough to get someone there is good enough than that’s greatness. If only having a few thousand people on a Twitter account keeps someone going, then so is that.

You don’t have to strive to become the best of the best. In fact, that damages you. It pushes you to limits beyond limits. Sounds all brave and heroic and shit, but really I praise those who are working in the small schools and don’t get paid enough to even raise a family with every struggle in the world. But getting love out of what they do.

As I go through college, I’ve found all the people I’ve met try to do something beyond normal compacity. Maybe I’m wrong, but there’s no need to rush a system of getting there. Your own time is the best time. I don’t plan on doing anything more than I have to. I have a few years. Truthfully, I question just about every day if I’m wrong for choosing journalism as my calling. Right now I’m stuck with it.

The problem with life is we go through finding ourselves and for what? A nice deathwish and a few thousand flowers and then forgotten the next day. So why must I hurry up and get my life together when the only time it’s ever even seen as fulfilled is if I die after 50.

I have a lot more talent than I show for, that’s for sure. I don’t try hard enough when I know someone will read it. I don’t care almost, but I do. When it’s just myself, here, I feel complete. Like I could do this for the rest of my life. Hide behind a screen. I’m realizing that what I’m doing, living, is for my benefit short term.

Sure, I’ll apply myself, question who I am at 3 a.m. and eventually have something out there worth reading, but this blog is nothing more to you guys than a girl writing. But to me, was a huge step in the right direction. I’m not always proud with what I write. In fact even some of my stuff I publish, I absolutely hate. Never satisfied. But do I have to be? Who gives a damn if the writer is satisfied? It’s all about getting out there and accepting what may or may not be a success in the public.

I don’t mind if I start early or go on to another life and start there instead. Kind of like those dead guys we didn’t care to listen to or read about until they were actually dead.

We may think the world is our (insert cliche), but we don’t really care about anyone but ourselves at the end of it. So the world isn’t that. It’s just a playground for the writers, the businessmen, the artists, the musicians, the athletes and the explorers.

However, there is hope that the public one day accepts, you as whatever you are, by picking up whatever it is you have published, created or been in. I’ve lost a lot of drive to continue on in sports reporting. I took a semester off from keeping up with it and only recently jumping back in. But now I question if I really want to. If I really want to start over back to square one. If it’ll be worth it. Maybe. But maybe it won’t be. I suppose we’ll see, right?

Undermined.

Has something every touched you so much that writing about it wasn’t enough? Like you have to go on and talk about why that person is amazing.

George Watsky, a slam poet, is not well known (with only 666,756 monthly listeners on Spotify). Which is enough for me to enjoy him. Usually, you find a diamond in the most oddest of places.

Watsky not only wrote songs touching on serious social issues, going through massive struggles and living life to the fullest. He seems to have done it all through his real-life events. Lost friends, had a few seizures and got through pretty heavy hangovers.

There’s something about this man named Watsky that really throws me for an emotional loop. His book How to Ruin Everything is such a great read. It’s really a giant collection of essays. That spoke a story of something so simple and how it can impact your life.

Getting my first car was kind of like that experience. I had to live a lot more cautiously, and when I started to focus on my friends and how they drove, I decided it was time to only drive myself.

You don’t know how much he’s trying to say until the last second and hits you. The uplifting story about setting off fireworks and tripping on drugs is really about something greater than that. It’s how you live and who you’re with and when you decide to go out and take chances. Which everyone says to do, but honestly, none of us really do. We don’t really seem to go out there enough.

Honestly, Watsky has a point. We don’t even want to explore whatever is past the smog or even past what’s right in front of us.

See, life is a trip. Not one worth wasting. Never. But it is one not worth stressing over. We all find something that pleases us at the end. Even if we really have to think about what pleases us during that time.

There’s more to this dude than just a simple act of “let me test your mind.” He actually tries to get people into the swing of “there are things you’re missing right now.” I really appreciate that because maybe someone just discovered a new planet or you had a breakthrough in thought and you don’t know what to do with it. That’s a lot of weight in a song or even 10 pages of words.

As a writer, I appreciate the approach to subjects more than anything. Either you have to go into a story blunt or disguise yourself and meaning altogether. That takes a lot of time and work and even just simple effort. But even if you don’t like his style, there is a magic to the tying together of situations and words. I just have to figure it out and actually listen to it.

Updated: 2017, Jan. 05