Another 3 a.m. Post

When emotions start to fly at 3 a.m., it’s usually time for bed. But not tonight.

After some thinking, I have decided to retire my love of writing to maybe secondary. I don’t want to be just a piece of paper someone reads or a screen someone looks at. Everyone says to go on and strive for greatness, but greatness is in the eyes of the beholder.

If only doing enough to get someone there is good enough than that’s greatness. If only having a few thousand people on a Twitter account keeps someone going, then so is that.

You don’t have to strive to become the best of the best. In fact, that damages you. It pushes you to limits beyond limits. Sounds all brave and heroic and shit, but really I praise those who are working in the small schools and don’t get paid enough to even raise a family with every struggle in the world. But getting love out of what they do.

As I go through college, I’ve found all the people I’ve met try to do something beyond normal compacity. Maybe I’m wrong, but there’s no need to rush a system of getting there. Your own time is the best time. I don’t plan on doing anything more than I have to. I have a few years. Truthfully, I question just about every day if I’m wrong for choosing journalism as my calling. Right now I’m stuck with it.

The problem with life is we go through finding ourselves and for what? A nice deathwish and a few thousand flowers and then forgotten the next day. So why must I hurry up and get my life together when the only time it’s ever even seen as fulfilled is if I die after 50.

I have a lot more talent than I show for, that’s for sure. I don’t try hard enough when I know someone will read it. I don’t care almost, but I do. When it’s just myself, here, I feel complete. Like I could do this for the rest of my life. Hide behind a screen. I’m realizing that what I’m doing, living, is for my benefit short term.

Sure, I’ll apply myself, question who I am at 3 a.m. and eventually have something out there worth reading, but this blog is nothing more to you guys than a girl writing. But to me, was a huge step in the right direction. I’m not always proud with what I write. In fact even some of my stuff I publish, I absolutely hate. Never satisfied. But do I have to be? Who gives a damn if the writer is satisfied? It’s all about getting out there and accepting what may or may not be a success in the public.

I don’t mind if I start early or go on to another life and start there instead. Kind of like those dead guys we didn’t care to listen to or read about until they were actually dead.

We may think the world is our (insert cliche), but we don’t really care about anyone but ourselves at the end of it. So the world isn’t that. It’s just a playground for the writers, the businessmen, the artists, the musicians, the athletes and the explorers.

However, there is hope that the public one day accepts, you as whatever you are, by picking up whatever it is you have published, created or been in. I’ve lost a lot of drive to continue on in sports reporting. I took a semester off from keeping up with it and only recently jumping back in. But now I question if I really want to. If I really want to start over back to square one. If it’ll be worth it. Maybe. But maybe it won’t be. I suppose we’ll see, right?

A Late Night Post About Life

Recently I realized that sometimes relationships and friendships are forever. My best friends and I still talk a lot. Even though I’ve been a bit more indoorsy than I have been all year.

Relationships are difficult, however. My last year crush is turning out to be pretty perfect. However, we’ll be closing the distance gap here soon and I’m really unsure but excited. Totally excited to at least go on a couple of real dates and not go a month not seeing each other.

I’m not a sucker for love. I just enjoy the romantic comedies a bit too much and I’ve found that in this guy. As I lay here at 2 am listening to Angels by The Xx, I’m not sure what to feel. I know I should be focused on college more than a guy, but prepping for both brought me closer to this point.

Literally, this whole summer has been about moving out and taking things slow. There’s a lot of hype around the house and my nighttime writing sessions really seem to make me realize it’s okay to slow down and think.

I don’t do enough of the whole slowing down. I probably have missed a few really great opportunities with a few friends because of that this summer. Something about being all work and very little play made me a bit of a stiff.

Recently, however, I picked up playing Halo and a few other video games before I leave. I know that’s not really much, but Pokemon Go is currently at a halt until I get my new phone. I usually socialize at a nearby park and meet other trainers.

There is something about Pokemon Go that has brought me back to my friends and outdoors. Usually, I just go to the gym or workout at home doing basic stuff. Not really much else.

I just have 15 days until I move out. This is really hard to take in right now. Like wow. I didn’t waste a summer did I? I enjoyed my time alone. But did I miss anything serious? Oh goodness, I still haven’t birthday shopped for a couple of people. August needs to chill. I don’t want to be that busy in just a couple of weeks or so.

It’s Over.

I graduated high school. Done. Over. Tears never fell. I didn’t trip before or after graduation.

Before I walked the stage, I had a dinner at a country club. My gifts were a MacBook Air (about a year old) and a Kendra Scott necklace.

I had fun at project graduation competing with a friend and only winning a couple of times. I love a friendly competition. I walked out with $240 as well, half of that was just for showing up.

That’s not all that’s happened. I finished my classes with A’s and B’s (GPA is still dumb) and built a hovercraft for physics.

Oh, that’s another thing I’ll miss. My physics class was bomb. Pretty much everyone in there had something to contribute, most of the time. They were all unique and madly fun, for the most part. They were like a third family, behind my newspaper and real families. I’m going to miss that bunch. My teacher, who made everything happen, was probably one of the best science teachers I’ve had. There’s an understatement to that, she was.

I also don’t know what I’m to do without my newspaper family. I know I’ll find another one soon. But for now, I’m an orphan missing their first journo mom (journalism mom) ever. That’s kind of hard to believe I spent all four years in her class. Intro, newspaper, digi comm and teacher aid all in that time. Like damn. I’ll be back to visit her lots and lots. I get home sick way easy and I already am. Because it wasn’t the three different rooms that made it home, it was the staff.

Without that class and those amazing groups, I would never have picked my major in journalism. In fact, I would be stuck in fashion merchandising just trying to figure out who I am still. Freshman me got a reality check sophomore year there: “Sports reporting is your life home girl.”

But every year was a time to become stronger, better. To learn and pass and fail and carry on. High school is where you find yourself. College seems like the time to become yourself. From what I’m finding there’s not a giant leap. I’ll just be alone and paying some minor bills (thank you, Dad for helping out!) and studying as late as I already do.

I’m excited to become who I was meant to be and continue doing what I love. I’m also ready for half price entry to COLLEGE games! I might even have a camera by next spring to take to the events.

For now, I’m typing away at a computer and getting basic school supplies that I know I’ll need. Ew, I just remembered I need to supply my own stapler and tape. Adulting isn’t as fun when you realize everything that’s involved. The sadness is almost real.

How do you adults cope with growing up? Seriously, I’m still young and feel like I’m under pressure. Just looking back I realized how much I’ve matured into the person I am now. Any suggestions on how to be an adult? I’ll need it!

A Look into the Teenage Valentine’s Day

Most of us spend a whole year looking for that one special person to spend one single day with.  what if you don’t find the person? Well, there’s always discount candy and movies.

I recently watched a movie about a Valentine’s Grinch, such as myself, who was a blogger finding love in an unexpected place. Just a typical love story. Then I realized, maybe not so.

Surprise! I have a date on Feb. 15! It’s too typical to have something on Valentine’s Day and let me be the first to say, nothing is better than not having a typical date on a typical day. It’s almost too mainstream to have to sign up for love the day it seems required.

But here is the real kicker, I don’t think I can tolerate someone “loving” me. I almost feel like I’m too much of a brat to be loved by someone other than my dad. I’m a lot, even for myself sometimes.

Then there’s the question of how do people combine their hearts to make for something almost too surreal for words?

I will never understand this concept humans have become to know or, in the slightest sense, understand. I’m not a broken teenager when it comes to this. I love a few of my closest friends, but relationships are beyond me.

My guy friends are nothing more than people I may never be one for. I couldn’t be shrouded by their obnoxiousness for the rest of my life.

That’s another thing, how do you find someone you wouldn’t mind being with for the rest of your life? A lot of people say, “if mirage isn’t the goal, then you’re wasting your time.” But that’s a huge commitment for some of us to make. Maybe we’re not ready nor are we even thinking that far ahead.

I think it’s cute people are trying to get their love life in order by their early to mid 20’s. That seems like a good start, in all truth.

Then there’s the contradictory thought of “but this guy you’re hanging out with is pretty much everything you’re looking for kid.” No, he’s not going to propose or some crazy thing like that. But I can tell you, I wouldn’t mind going discount candy shopping with him or going on some off the wall date.

As I type this at a nearby Starbucks, I couldn’t have more love surrounding me. There a few dates happening right now between fresh couples, some who have been together for a while, and even older ones who sit and read. I probably look like a total nerd for head checking every 10 minutes, but little do they know the purpose they serve.

All these significant others give a huge portion of us less lovable people some sort of reassurance there is someone out there for you. From what I’ve learned, don’t go looking for a love you want. Let it come to you. Just like in sports, let the play come to you.

I guess for now, I’m going to take this year’s post to heart and do me. Maybe my date won’t go too incredibly romantic, but I may not mind a little bit of a hug.

A Tribute Post to My Father

My dad, the most amazing person on this planet, has done so much for me. From bringing Starbucks and sweatpants to my newspaper late nights, to making sure I’m going to bed at a decent hour.

A father is a girls’ hero from the very beginning of her life. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. From the very beginning I turned into the center of Father’s universe and became his sunshine, or so he calls me, in his life.

Dad has given up some of his favorite hobbies, like flying small airplanes, to make sure I wouldn’t have a questionable upbringing. Father, is a perfectionist when it comes to his job.

Here’s the thing though, he’s done some pretty cool things with his life. Boating, traveling to England, flying air planes, working on a golf course/family restaurant. It’s kind of interesting to revisit his old lifestyle.

I didn’t think about some of the things Father has done in past until we went on a trip to the hangar a few weeks ago.

Inside, there are two airplanes, both covered in 100 years of dust, dismantled, and the wings are stitched against one of the cold metal walls by rope threaded to the outside. The concrete ground hasn’t been swept in a few months and there’s piles of grass throughout the floor plan.

One of the new airplanes sits outside. The paint still shines, the tires are dull, and the seat is missing. Despite clashing perfections, and poor bambino (baby) still runs!

I feel as though Father doesn’t like going back into the things he misses, he’s always looking forward to the future and where he presently stands in the time frame of this spinning world. There is something about him being able to not really dwell on the things he misses, makes me feel as though looking forward is all one can do in life. The more you look back, the more want things to change and be different. However, Dad happens to have the greatest stories to tell. Such as from his childhood and facing fears of parents.

I don’t know much about my grandparent’s, but I do know they ran a tight ship around the Mercadante household. Starting the drive of the father I have now. Without their teachings, my dad would not have been able to improve their teachings and tweak them to match the lifestyle I have now.

Which is probably how my father has set such a standard for every man I meet in everyday life. I can’t judge the guys I meet based off of Dad and everything he is, but I can try to find someone close to what I’m used to. A father is the one person in this world who holds their daughter’s heart better than a silk pillow.

I recently sent Dad to get some Pepto-Bismol for my upset stomach, and he came back with my special order and some candy cane flavored ChapStick. Little things like that just make my day. I also had a delimma a while with my local Wal-Mart not stocking the Starbucks VIA Instant Peppermint Mocha, a craving of mine during the holidays. Father went to the actual Starbucks store in a town nearby and got my yummy drink! That was really nice to have after a long, cold day.

In advance, I wish whoever I meet a good first impression, and understand the smallest of actions are the best. I couldn’t deal with not being as much of a priority as I currently am.

A father is a wonderful type love that only exists in those who set their mind to giving their children the world and then some. They also set the tone in which their children will judge society. A father is an important aspect in anyone person’s life and the stage is lit any time they have something to say in the household.

Who are some of your greatest inspirations in life? Any past childhood memories with parents or guardians? Funny stories to tell about growing up?

New Year’s Post

Today was the first day of 2016. I went to bed last night at around 8 and woke up at almost 11. Which is perfect because sleep is a resolution, my only resolution.

I have had an excellent 2015, unlike most. I got into my dream college, University of Central Oklahoma and all I need to do is enroll this month. I also discovered more friendships and connections with old and new friends. However, I did land in a few rough patches that were drawn out for a long time. Most of my friends on Facebook seem to have felt the same way. Being young and dumb isn’t the best thing in the world when it comes to personal issues. Sometimes I make the worst decisions ever, other times not so much. I’m leaning how to deal with people and now that it’s a fresh start I know what this year, hopefully, holds.

To begin, friendships and relationships of any kind are to the point, interesting. I can’t say everything will turn out perfectly, but I know my last several months with friends will be pretty great. I may have a few really hard goodbye’s but for the most part we understand the time is coming to say farwell. However, for the few I will see at my college we will probably be in some sort of contact.

I don’t know if I’m okay with saying goodbye. There’s nothing I can do to stop time. I have to ease into things and not get a headache from thinking about all I need to do after graduation. That is clearly for another day and not something to stress right this second. At the same time, it’s hard to think about saying ciao to some of the coolest people ever. It’s been at least 4 years with some of my friends and that’s hard to let go of. I know I’ll manage, but this whole New Year’s thing really gets me thinking a little too much about the future.

What are some of your thoughts on what’s going on this year? Anything interesting or exciting?

The World is a Mess

My town seems to be falling apart. In the past few days there was a student with a hit list targeting students and teachers, then there was a guy who got shot in the head, and a rape/carjacking happened.

My only question is why? People can be messed  up sometimes. If we were all to at least control ourselves, would be all right. I mean yeah, it’s okay to not like people. It’s also not okay to shoot someone just because. That’s everywhere though. ISIS may have a record of killings in today’s world, but let’s not forget these issues are massive across the United States and the rest of the globe.

There is nothing worse than someone attacking people for no true reason other than to kill or leave a mark on someone.

Everyday, people try to start some sort of brawl over pretty much everything. This is a serious lack of self control. A person shouldn’t be aiming to start something they probably won’t finish in the sense of they will get caught.

Luckily, there hasn’t been any huge issues here, but they exist more so outside of school. Which is pretty terrible. What are you going to do? Get caught by the police who will do more than just fine you like the school? I think it goes back to the way people are raised.

Parents are so absent these day since the economy crashed in 2008, we are still having to recover in some way. The parents have longer work hours and the students are bored. I enjoy the alone time, but sometimes I become bored of movie marathons, but I don’t try to build myself when the parents aren’t home and some people are the same way.  

Sometimes, we are so caught up in who we are and our reputations. That reputation doesn’t matter unless you plan to be in high school your whole life or you just don’t have any true plans for life. We forget what we do impacts so much more than a loss of life or body damage. What we do as people makes the world either stop or go.

Just a little something to take into your day, make a positive difference and make one soon. You never know how fast you can make a difference.